Before you speak
Write down, in one sentence: what do I want to be different afterwards?
If the answer is "they should understand how I feel", stop. That is not an outcome. Make it a behaviour.
The structure
1. Set the frame (15 seconds)
I want to talk about [one specific thing]. It'll take ten minutes and I'd like to hear your side. Is now okay?
Asking permission lowers defensiveness more than any wording trick.
2. The observation, without a verdict (30 seconds)
Describe what you saw the way a camera would. No motives, no character.
On [occasion], [specific behaviour]. I noticed [concrete effect].
Never: "You always…" / "You don't care about…"
3. The impact, on the work (30 seconds)
The effect on the project was [concrete consequence].
Keep it about the work. Work impact is discussable; character is not.
4. The question (the most important part)
How did that land from your side?
Then be quiet and actually listen. Most hard conversations fail here, because the speaker keeps going.
5. The ask
What I'd like is [specific, observable behaviour], starting [when].
6. Close forward
Thanks for talking. Let's check in on [date].
Phrases that help
- "Help me understand…"
- "I might have this wrong."
- "What would make this easier on your side?"
- "Let's agree on what 'done' looks like."
Phrases that never help
- "To be honest…" (implies the rest was not)
- "With all due respect…"
- "You're being defensive."
- "We've been over this."
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